Sunday, January 23, 2011

Player Profile: Kenny Deuchar

No game this week (due to car shopping with the wife) so instead i've decided to focus on an individual.

I've not just picked any individual though, oh no! I've decided to pick a player who, regardless of where he plays, always ends up a bit of a cult figure. Ladies and Gentlemen, I present Kenny “Dr Goals” Deuchar.

I write this assuming most people have heard of Kenny Deuchar. If you haven't, well firstly...shame on you...and secondly....I promise you, your life will never be the same again.

You know all those email forwards and websites dedicated to Chuck Norris? Well replace Chuck's name with Kenny Deuchar and now you're talking.

He started his career at Falkirk where, after a couple of horrific leg breaks, he dropped down a couple of divisions to play for East Fife. Here he scored a double in his first game before going on to lead the Fifers to promotion. This feat was made all the more impressive by the fact that Deuchar was also operating (awful pun # 1) as a full time Doctor at the time! During his two seasons at Methil he scored an impressive 34 goals in 77 games.

Deuchar left East Fife as a hero but that was only the beginning for the boy. He joined then big spending Gretna where, in his first season he helped Gretna win the Third Division, and helped himself to an astonishing 38 goals in 30 games (including eleven goals in a single game as Gretna thrashed Threave Rovers in a pre-season friendly) – again while still practising medicine one day a week. He even found time to equal Jimmy Greaves record of scoring hat-tricks on six different occasions in a single season.

Gretna – losing their minds (awful doctor pun # 2) – decided that Deuchar was surplus to requirements during the 2006-07 season. He didn't want to bypass (awful doctor pun #3) a chance at English football, moving to Northampton Town where he scored a credible 3 in 17 games. More significantly, his status as the People's Champion continued when on his final game for the Cobblers, the fans held a “Doctor's Day” in his honour, donning white jackets. Deuchar, of course, didn't let them down coming on as a sub after 63 minutes and immediately equalising to make the game 2-2!

An emergency loan to St Johnstone then followed, along with 10 goals in 14 games, helping St Johnstone to a Challenge Cup win (<<< 50 secs in) – the first cup win in their history – before he returned to Gretna, a side struggling in the SPL at the time, and scored another excellent 6 goals in 11 games.

A period in the United States with MLS side Real Salt Lake (where he helped the team to their first playoff appearance in their history) was followed by a move to Hamilton Accies who failed to appreciate the genius they had in their midst. Deuchar then returned to somewhere he was truly appreciated – McDiarmid Park.

He scored a credible 8 in 40 for the SPL newcomers before deciding to drop back down a league to join Falkirk after their relegation in 2010. His reasons? So he could continue to practice medicine while playing football!

3 in 16 followed for Deuchar before Steven Pressley (a man who couldn't manage a fish supper, let alone a football club) let Deuchar join Second Division Livington and surprise surprise....his legend lives on as Dr Goals ends up scoring a debut hat-trick for the West Lothian club who eventually ran out 4-2 winners.

Being a professional footballer is the dream of many a young boy. Being a doctor is the dream of many others. Being both? Well that's what dreams are made of – unless you are Kenny Deuchar of course. Then it's just a regular day of the week!

He truly is a modern day hero. A man who has dedicated his life to scoring goals and saving lives. And he's got a tidy missus as well....

But that's not all, there's more. Oh I know. How is this even possible?

Well it is! Deuchar is also a successful business man and a company director in Town House Resutaurants Ltd which owns and operates the Wheelhouse restaurant in Falkirk and the Boathouse restaurant in Kilsyth.

In sum:

  • Goalscoring ratio in Scottish football = 1:2
  • Ratio of successful restaurants run = 2:2
  • Numbers of people's lives saved = too many to count.

Kenny Deuchar: once beat up Superman, Batman, Spiderman and Steven Segal while carrying out open heart surgery on his own mum. Fact.

*Slaps hand*



  1. Would really appreciate an in-depth profile on Mrs Deuchar next week mate.

  2. Ha ha! I doubt my profile would be anywhere near as exciting as my husbands! :-)
    I can add 'Incredible Husband and Daddy' to his list of achievements!

  3. Thanks Mrs Deuchar! Delighted you've read the piece! Consider your additions to his list of achievements and comment officially part of the posting!